In my last post, I mentioned feeling stuck. One of the reasons for that is my Faith has been tested over the last few months. While researching religions (in my quest to douse my ignorance of the world) I realized that Christians are not so different than many other religions of the world. Many religions do in fact, believe in one God. The Creation of the World. But not necessarily that Jesus' birth and death happened they way they said it did, etc. etc. I have been on a journey to figure out exactly what I believe. Truly believe. And I'm a concrete evidence kind of person. I've been reading cases for and against the Christian Bible. And I feel like each side is so bias and claims to have all the right evidence that prayer it seems will be the only thing to guide me completely through this.
It's been a rough road. I feel l like I'm just treading water here. But one thing I know for certain is that God spoke to my Husband and to me today at the same exact time. Sitting in church. Nothing related to the subject was being said and we both looked over at each other. It was at that moment I knew God had been doing something I had been saying he would do for the last 3 years. But it didn't make any sense. Absolutely no sense at all.
So let me give a little back story here. My Husband and I have hit 3 years of wanting another baby. And trying. But I've always wanted to adopt. I never imagined myself having children, but adoption was something I always saw myself doing. (Although back then I saw myself as a single independant woman lawyer adopting a child. ) So in the beginning we toyed with the idea of adoption through foster care. We talked to DFACS and we were pretty much rejected on the spot due to our age. (Which was within the legal limits but the women didn't like it.)
Afterward my Husband said he couldn't bear the though of adopting through foster care anyway. He new he would die inside if he got attached to a child just to have them taken from him and put back in a bad situation.
So the option was out but in the back of my mind for years. In October my *sometimes insensitive* Husband asked me when I was going to give up trying to have a baby and push the adoption option. I cried. It hurt the way he put it. Still hurts to think about it. But he promised he would do whatever it took to give me another baby. He'd pay for any supplement. Take anything I wanted him to. Schedule and pay for me a surgery if I wanted. But he didn't know if he could adopt. I felt oddly at peace when I told him that if God wanted us to adopt he'd lay it on his heart and change his mind. Just like he did when both our hearts changed and opened up to having another child. Although we weren't sure what it meant at the time - years of pain and struggle and having to relive past mistakes. All with the possibility of realizing you may never have your own child again.
We keep trying. And my supplements are working wonders. But today in church we looked at each other. For a long time. Both thinking the same thing. And after church I said, "What would it take for you to consider talking to Christy (our friend at DFACS) about adopting a baby?" His response..."Get out of my head. God just told me talk to Christy and see what she had to say." We have known Christy for a year now. She tells us horrendous stories of children in foster care. But never have we both said, "It's time."
I know without a doubt that God spoke to me and to my Husband today. But it didn't make sense. No sense at all. Fostering to adopt only is a slim to none chance that you will get a baby. Permanent foster families get first pick. All the children I've found that are posted on their site are 16 and 17. To even foster them you have to be 10+ years older. And we aren't ready for a teenager. No way. We wouldn't know what to do. And I know DFACS is going to dig up our past. So how will we even get approved? The last women we talked to said that any women who admits to a past abortion won't pass the psych test. And now it is on my record with them all because I wanted to be transparent and honest. I speak openly at churches and I didn't want that to be an issue. Not to mention unschooling! They are definitely going to want to dig up that one. So then what? How is this all supposed to fall together? All I can see is it falling apart. I'm trying to trust. And I keep hearing, "I'll take care of it." But I'm having a hard time trusting! How can I trust that what I'm hearing is right when the last 3 years I thought God wanted us to have another baby. And then I thought, "He wants me to take this time to heal my body after all I put it through." And now I'm like, "Adoption!?" I don't know what to believe anymore. I just don't.
I'm having to take it a step at a time. December 7th we are going to Gatlinburg for our annual hike and lights Christmas trip. The night before we are staying with Chris and Christy because they live close by Gatlinburg. We are going to talk to her then about what we can do and if she can help us. She works directly in the fostering division and if she could help us through that would be marvelous! Until then we are going to keep trying for a baby. Maybe fostering is in the future if it isn't now. I just know I can't pass up any more opportunities. Can't waste away any time. Especially next month. I'd love nothing more (except adopting) than to find out that I am pregnant in December-the same month I found out and gave up my Lucy. I think it would a Beautiful memory and Blessing to feel like I have received that Forgiveness from God and from Lucy. God will give us whichever he wants for our family. And we will know when it happens. But it is hard. It is taking so much time. I've spent the last 7 years watching everybody else's family grow but our own. Some days I feel that I deserve that. But days like today I know I deserve more. I know that God is as crazy about me as he is about Mother Theresa or the drug addict in prison down the road. He wants nothing but good for me just like he does for both of them. But I have to Be Still and Patient. And that's the hardest part.