Middle School and Toddler Blues Babbling

Monday was the day-like so many other years-that most people posted "First Day of School" photos on their social media. (Even some of my homeschool friends did.)

It always makes me think of what it would be like to do cutesy stuff like that with Big S if she were in school. But it also makes me thankful to have her home because we always have fun things planned for the year.

This year is a tiny bit different, however. It is slow-going. Acting class was cancelled, so Big S only has scouts and youth group-neither of which is during the day. And one is only twice a month. I thought it would be a great opportunity to do the spur of the moment things we used to do, like trips to the park, volunteering all day at the library, and seeing friends with no notice.

But I am struggling with what I guess would be called the Toddler Blues. I just don't want to "deal with it." I'm tired, and I have no idea why. My brain is always exhausted. Always. I don't feel like loading up 50 bzillion snacks and chasing her around the library asking her to be quieter. I think once it cools down, park visits will be nice. And I am always up for a good play date. But I don't have the same enthusiasm I have had in the past. I don't feel like what I do....means enough. Now, I know that's not true. But I can't help but feel that way about what I do day in and day out, correcting math work, disciplining a toddler, and washing dishes... Big S is in middle school now. She researches her own stuff that she wants to learn. She does her math on her own. And Little S just wants to play. She doesn't want to sit for long periods of time sorting counting bears or playing Tanagrams like Big S did. I try to play and teach them both as much as I can, but overall, I feel useless. Like my job is just to drive them around where they need to go and sit there while they do what they need to do. I try to stay active by volunteering at scouts and participating in the adult study on 'youth nights,' but the library or anything else that doesn't request outside volunteers, I sit, and I wait.

I try to stay available while Big S does her math. It appears to be more like lingering though The laundry is minimal because we have a pair of "home clothes," not night clothes that we wear all week (unless they get dirty), and we wear the same outfit at least twice before washing. The cleaning is minimal because we are minimalists. And I am glad to not spend my life cleaning, because as much as I enjoy it, I know it is not a valuable way to spend my time if I don't have to. But where is the balance? Maybe I am just rambling, but I feel useless. I feel like I am either too busy to give my girls the attention they need or I am not busy enough.

It is a new day today. I am feeling a tad more positive. Although, the toddler and I are dealing with allergies, so it was a slow day again. With that said, I have resolved to enjoy where we are. I will find things to fill the time, like learning about chickens or just cuddling our toddler. It is the calm before the storm. Only this time, we have warning. The last time we had calm like this, my sisters moved in. We plan to start pursuing adoption again next year, which we know is a big deal with lots to do, so I will take this time to show my girls my love for them, to force myself to go out and do things, even if it means I need to plan each trip that we take to the playground.

I am going back to my planning book. Each day, I have Sam's assignment written down-which is not many. I have a simple, minimal  prep work activity (like today I took all her magnetic letters and spread them on the floor. I gave her a basket and asked her to "Find the B. What does B say?" Easy peasy. She got attention. I didn't have to play dolls. We all win. And then I have some random trip days written down for nature walks and bike rides. I am just in a season where I need to expect those things ahead of time. Otherwise, I will never do them. And that's okay. I just have to make sure I plan.

So middle school is not looking like what I imagined for Big S, lots of activities and independence, business and fulfillment. But that's okay. Bedore I know it, we will be there again and I will be asking myself "What happened? Where did time go?"

What we do have planned is:

Acting Camp-Since acting class was cancelled, Big S will be participating in Acting Camp where many of her middle school friends already participate.

Learning Piano (Hopefully)-She says she wants to learn, and we have told her if she continues to ahow enthusiasm for it and learn thr basics of reading music for it by using outside resources, we will pay for lessons with a friend of ours and evebtuslly buy her a keyboard. It just makes sense. I would love for hwr to leave the house knowing how to play an instrument. Plus, it goes along with her passion for performing arts.

Spanish-Now that Big S has gotten to an average typing speed for her grade and learned all her cursive, I have told her she can move on to learning Spanish, so it won't be long before she starts Rosetta Stone/Homeschool Edition. Woo Hoo!

Chores-Here is something she has never had before. She has always helped around the houde with stuff like carrying in groceries, taking out the trash, assisting with the baby, etc. But she has never had to empty the dishwasher, wash dishes, fold laundry, etc. Middle achool is a good time to introduce those necessary skills. Poor girl!

Reconnected

Last Tuesday was amazing to say the least. Over the last year, Samantha and my relationship has been....on hold, I guess you could say. I found myself becoming increasingly irritable with Big S even after the girls left. I am really not sure why. I think I just needed rest. We took the rest of December off. And when I say "off," I mean we took a vacation. We celebrated holidays. We had no activities. We slept in even on the weekdays. And we spent a lot of time sitting around reading.

Our homeschooling also took a break over the last year. And I know, when you homeschool, you never stop learning, because life is learning, but our style of homeschooling took a back seat. We did stuff and learned. But the biggest element in our unschooling way of life-spontaneous trips-disappeared almost completely. It was hard to get up and go somewhere last minute so she could photograph something when we had to be home by 2:30. And to be honest, it was hard for me to get he motivation as well.

But this semester we are back on the horse. Tuesdays are going to be our craziest day. I would liken it to other homeschoolers' co-op day. I spend the morning cleaning the house and putting dinner in the crockpot. Then we eat lunch and head off to acting. It is 25 miles from the house. It is also a 4 hour class, so I found some stores and parks in the area that Little S and I can go to while she is in class. Then we head straight to Heritage Girls, 54 miles in the other direction, get home around 10 and crash.

I stayed for the first half of class because I had never met the teacher, and she was nervous, so she asked me to stay. They had so much fun. Generally, they will rehearse the first 2 hours of class. But this was their first class, so she had them "audition in groups" by doing improv together. She numbered their groups and gave them a topic to act out. They only had a few minutes to plan. She explained that chairs often serve as props when rehearsing and of course taught them the few "rules" of improv, like never telling your partners no.  Then she switched around the groups and they got a new topic to act out. She told them they did not have to have a speaking part during improv if they didn't want, and I thought Sam would run with that because she was so nervous. But she didn't! She spoke and she was funny. And she worked together with her groups. She bit her nails the entire time, but hey, it's a start. Her teacher asked who did not want a part (like who only wanted to work backstage), and what they wanted to do. She took every suggestion and said, "Yes!" She told them this was their play, and they would get to design the set and costumes, everything. She gave them the option to learn special effects makeup, because someone asked. She made everything a learning opportunity. I was thoroughly impressed. During the lesson, which is an hour and a half, then snack, social time and games for the last half hour, Sara started to get fussy. It was naptime, so I asked Sam if I could leave. She said yes, since she had 3 friends there-one was a new friend-she thought she would be okay.

When I came back, she was so excited to have something to tell me that I did not know. We talked all the way to Heritage Girls, and all the way back. We both agreed we felt reconnected. We didn't just talk about acting. Although hat was the bulk of it. We talked about her future, her relationship with God, her feelings toward the situation with the girls...It was nice.

We went home and immediately crashed. The next day Sam went to a friend's house, and it was all about Sara. Just her and me. Like when Big S was an only child. She had a PAT meeting at the house. We read some books together. We played outside for a long time. We explored, looked in the grass, found rocks, chased leaves, rode bikes. She took a nap. The house was quiet. I got some housework done and calls made. We went to the library where she sat on the floor and pretended to read...

I have missed the slow days with both my girls. From now on, Wednesdays will be Slow Days for Sara, because Tuesdays are rough on her. We always go to storytime in the morning and play outside. But we usually end up doing errands the rest of the afternoon.  From now on, I will do those on my own on Saturday night. Instead, we are going to go home and start adding in paints or something specifically for her. Sam will still have her independent work, but that day will be reserved for Sara, and I won't be helping Sam with any major projects until Thursday.

These are the kinds of days that remind me why we homeschool.