I have a great Husband. He isn't perfect. But he is perfect for me.
I know I say it all the time. I never can get over how God is growing us together.
Our marriage still has some of those "today" kinds of struggles. Like, my Husband won't attend church because of "hypocrits." And struggles with reading his Bible because he doesn't quite know what to make of it. Which kinda bothers me. But-I get it.
And of course he struggles with the fact that I am a go, go, go kind of gal and I get caught up in every day life-especially in the afternoon when I am trying to get everybody fed and make everyone happy. Sometimes there just is not enough of me to go around. Guess that is Motherhood.
Which is why I must be crazy to want another baby!
I spoke with a certified Nurse/Midwife doctor-whatever you want to call her-a few days ago. And she told me about a great alternative to the surgery for endometriosis. (A doctor I spoke with over a year ago gave me an exam and a checklist and told me she is about 90% sure that is the issue. I've prayed about it. I am sure too.) The problem is, I don't do Western medicine. Even if I did, I don't have insurance. And the surgery is hardly guarenteed to work. I have heard of women needing several surgeries just to conceive once. And even then it sometimes does more damage than good....I'm just not up for that.
So she told me about systemic enzyme therapy. A NATURAL alternative. She said it will work as good as any surgery could and sometimes better. Because if you continually take it, you can keep the scar tissue gone and reduce miscarriage risk too. It all sounds great, but it is a very strict therapy. I have to take 6 pills a day at certain times. And I have to take it with room temperature water or colder. I have to change my diet-completely. Like I'm not really supposed to even eat gluten. It is going to be work. And it looks like it will take 3-6, maybe 9 months or so to even find out if I will get pregnant with it.
But hopefully worth it.
I discussed it with my Husband. It is definitely NOT cheap. And it is for sure a dedication that I need support on. And his exact words were, "Why haven't you already bought it?" Gotta love that man. He did say he is afraid for it not to work though because that basically means we have hit a dead end.
I don't like the sound of that.
Neither does he because he dreads seeing me depressed like he has in the past, only-this time he knows it will be way worse.
We discussed it-our other options. I told him God would change his Heart if we were meant to adopt. But that I just don't feel like this is it. He wouldn't have laid it on my heart-our hearts-if there wasn't SOMETHING. And S is just so gentle and caring and understanding. There must be a plan there. For all 3 of us. I just can't get over it. I can't figure out what it is.
Guess that's how it goes though.
It's weird. I never thought it would come to this. In fact, I still don't think it has hit me. Like, 3 years-2 actively trying years, and we haven't been able to have another baby. There must be something wrong. And I am going through all the motions. I am waking up every morning and charting my temperature. I am keeping track of ovulation and making sure we maximize our odds. I am taking 10+ pills a day. And month after month I am not pregnant, but I don't think it has hit me that I can't have more. As of right now, my body won't allow it. But when I talk about it and when I think about it, I still have all the hope in the world. I just know it will happen any day now. I already bought a carseat because I found a good deal on a brand new one. That's how much hope I have. I was holding a newborn the other day and it didn't hurt me inside. It made me excited because in my mind, it will happen very soon. It is like my head knows it isn't realistic, but my Heart won't give up. My heart keeps saying, "It has already been X number of months. Any day now..."
Anyway, I put an order in for the enzyme therapy pills-after HOURS of research. And I also ordered a hot water bottle and castor oil to use for detoxing the liver and uterus. The mixture of the two should really help pull out the scar tissue. I can't wait for it to come in. I will keep taking my other supplements too. They are all safe to take together.
Omega 3 and 6-Fish Oil and Evening Primrose. Those will help keep my body balanced AND it does something else my Husband likes. But I will spare the details. ;) Bee Propolis because it helps with inflammation and scarring. (In a clinical trial, 60% of infertile women with endometriosis became pregnant in 9 months vs 20% in the control group. It raises my odds 40% but I have only been taking it 2 months. So I was looking for something else to help.) My Vitex keeps my hormones SUPER balanced. And I MAY stop taking bee pollen. It is supposed to help egg health, but I don't think I need help in that area. Overall health. It doesn't seem to be helping there. I still stay tired all the time and it is supposed to help with that.
Anyway, I'm rambling now. But I just keep praying it happens-before I come to terms with what is going on and the reality of it hits me....
I have a brand new carseat-Safety First Alpha and Omega. 5 lbs-100 lbs. sitting in the basement. I have an entire closet of maternity clothes that will fit me from early pregnancy to the "about to bust" stage. Boxes of baby clothes I have collected-not bought. Most of them were from a yardsale that was closing up early-told me to take anything. Others are from friends. I have the exact right sling I want. The pump. Cloth diapers from birth to 3 years old. One size fits all sort of thing. Everything. I could give birth today and be prepared. I. am. ready.
But God isn't.
However, he did give me an amazing Husband, whom, although he isn't great at talking about tough subjects, he doesn't want to see me hurt. He supports me. And that is the only thing that has mattered this entire 3 year struggle. He could talk all day long, but if he didn't back me, it would be a real struggle.
So on to the next steps in our Journey. To trying something new.