I just needed somewhere to get excited.

Just gotta have somewhere to ramble on about our exciting news because I know after I was so back and forth last time nobody really wants to hear me go on. So here it is.

DH and I began "Trying to Conceive" in July 2012 when we closed on our house. We tried for over a year and got discouraged. (Also, I was very back and forth-although we never stopped trying-about how we were going to afford a midwife for a homebirth and if I wanted Samantha to be an only...) So we just let go and didn't really do anything to prevent pregnancy or track fertile days, except now and then we would not do anything around ovulation if I knew it was coming up. I took down the "baby room" and we recently turned it into an office. One thing I couldn't do, however, was give up some of my best baby items that I had been collecting over the months when we were TTC. So I bought a giant grey Rubbermaid bin and I stored it all in the garage. It kinda haunted me to be honest. And seeing toddlers depresses me because I miss those days more than anything. I just want so badly to experience raising a child again. All of it. Planning, Babyhood, Toddlerhood, preschool. And although most of my friends at this point are ready to leave the baby stage, I have been out of it for awhile and want to go back.

And even though I know it is probably going to take a lot of time and a lot of patience to try again, the last few weeks I have been feeling like we should do it anyway. So I talked to J. At first he freaked. He got those bug eyes, so wide I could see them in the dark as we were driving down the road. DD in the back, humming, like she didn't hear a thing, "You can't put somebody on the spot like that! That came out of left field! We are in no position to actually plan for that right now..." (Apparently he figured that not "trying" would mean it would never happen, which has been true thus far I guess...It was an awkward night. He kept saying that he wanted to say yes because that is what I wanted, but he wasn't sure what he wanted, and it wouldn't be fair for him to say yes and not really want another baby. Fair enough....But I was still sad.

The next morning Samantha and I had a lovely day together at a local art gallery downtown and then to get ice cream after. I basked in the fun that I was having with my only and last child. Afterward I drove her to a friend's to spend the night and DH and I went on a date and discussed it. He said he realized after I went to bed the night before that he actually would really like to be a Dad again. (Ha Ha. This is beginning to sound familiar.) He is just scared of the disappointment and of me getting depressed again. But he'd like the chance to experience a baby without being in school or work 70 hours a week. We both agreed S would be a tremendous help because she would be so much older. So it was decided. (Of course not without trying to get me to tell him he can get an XBox One. ;)

We discussed getting a doula who will advocate for me and encourage/help with breast feeding and cloth diapering and then having a water birth at a birthing center instead. It is cost effective and the only thing you are missing is being at home. But I will still have DD in the room and get that natural birth experience. I'd prefer being at home, but don't want to put our family in a bind when we could use that much money to buy a car or something we REALLY need.

And as far as my worries about DD being an only, I think her age will be good. It is hard to explain, but I do.

So DH bought me some oils that help balance hormones and prevent inflammation of scarring to help with implantation. Fingers Crossed.

And I have lots of the stuff that I need. I have all the breastfeeding supplies-pump, washable pads, homemade nipple cream and diapering supplies I need-tons of cloth diapers, inserts, disposable liners, reusable wipes. A sling-Moby wrap! I have a pregnancy pillow and Boppy. Toys. I even have some old Baby CDs and Books that I loved when S was little. We have a crib, but we will be co-sleeping so no need to set up a crib or bedding, so we may not set up a room for awhile. We are opting out of pacifiers and bottles-unless she is with a sitter. And we are going to use our own homemade lotions and such. All I'm missing is the co-sleeper and clothes!

I'm excited, but nervous. Going to be honest here. I'm nervous it will hurt without an epidural. That I will hemmorhage again. And most selfishly, that I won't be in my size 2 jeans anymore, that my stretch marks will become prominent again, and that I will wear maternity pants the rest of my life hoping to get back into my old clothes, which mostly upsets me because I just stocked up on some (oiginially) very expensive clothes for cheap at yardsales and they are SUPER CUTE!

But all in all I most nervous that it just won't happen at all. We spent dinnertime tonight picking names and laughing about some silly ones. We told S how we chose her name. And just had a good time, but part of me could not bring myself to think of any names-only to listen. I don't want to pick names. I dont want to set a room up. Or buy things at yardsales. I don't want to get attached to the idea again, but I'm afraid I already have.

So these are the ups and downs. This isn't the beginning and I'm sure it isn't the end. But that's life. And I am always asking for trouble.