Before anybody gets judgemental about what I'm going to say, let me clarify. What I am saying is, "I am tired FROM." These are the things that make me tired inside. Things that require me to need some reenergizing. In no way am I saying, "I am tired OF" anything in my life. I wake up every morning and Thank God for all I have and everything I have the time to do: teach my child, care for my home, help others, be there for my Husband 110%. And the list continues. I wouldn't change what I do or who I have become for the World. But with all the time I have and everything I do that people consider me "another one of those Super Moms that has to be better than others," which is NOT why I do what I do...I get tired too. I sometibmes say, "Play on the computer as long as you want." while I retreat to the bath. I sometimes allow late sleeping in the morning so I can have "just 30 more minutes" to shop online for Christmas. No matter how great it looks on the outside, none of us can be Super Mom all the time...
I am tired from teaching. From making everything a lesson. From going to the grocery store and not being able to go in and out quick because it has to be a lesson. From not being able to watch TV without it being educational. From having to have meaning behind everything, especially holiday celebrations. I am tired from not saying no to reading her a book-ever. And from double checking she knows her math facts forward, backward, and everything between.
I am tired from using my nice words and soft tones. From saying, "That's okay. Next time we will make sure not to drop the whole batch of brownie mix on the floor." From saying, "I feel like we need time apart. Let's go to separate rooms." From having to continually put myself in somebody else's shoes and understand everything. From not being able to YELL OUT the way I feel.
I am tired from caring for someone else 24 hours a day 7 days a week. From clothing someone else in the morning to making that extra plate at dinner. From not being able to just sit down for 24 hours in pure silence. And sleep or watch TV. I am tired because my child has no bedtime. Because I can't just clock out at 8 PM and be on call for nightmares or sickness only.
I am tired from cooking. From buying organic and watching what we eat. I'm tired from making big, from scratch meals with fresh vegetables and homemade seasonings.
I am tired from cleaning all the time. From making sure there is no dust on the hardwood. No dog hair on the couches. I'm tired from mopping the floors by hand and keeping the laundry caught up. From making sure the drawers are organized at all times. And that the window sills are paw print free.
I am tired from making all the calls and paying all the bills. From making sure the budget is just right and everything is paid off right on time. From being the bad guy who says, "We can't afford that this week. Look what we spent here, here, and here." And from being the one who scrambles to keep us debt free, while the other half-my Husband, likes to see how far in the negative he can make us go, as long as we get that new phone or flat screen.
I am tired from driving everywhere. From one side of town to the next. And "After we leave here, we need to stop by two stores before we head home."
I am tired from helping others at the Center. I feel like I give it my all, but maybe that isn't enough. Maybe I need to do more. I'm tired from telling them, "It will be okay. Here is my story. Here is what God says." And even then sometimes, they still make the decision to end a Life.
I am tired from not having alone time to do what I want to do, not clean or pay bills, but bake without feeling, "This could have been a Math lesson." From not having enough alone time with my Husband. To resorting to sending DD to her room for 30 minutes a day on the weekend just so we can cuddle, talk, start a movie in peace and quite.
I am tired from not being able to ride in the car and just think or listen to music. From having to always have a conversation or play the Guess Animal game.
I am tired from being everything for my Husband. From getting up at 5AM after going to bed at midnight. From cooking the same breakfast for him every morning, oatmeal and two eggs. Then on to boiling the soup for his thermos. Making him a protein and creatine shake. And making sure to set out his vitamin and two BCAAs in a plastic Rubbermaid and a 1/2 gallon water bottle to wash it down with.
And at night, cooking dinner for an hour, cleaning for an hour, and then setting our all the clothes, vitamins, and breakfast to make the next morning. At which point I am too tired to moved or do anything else.
I am tired from upholding this image of "perfect." From having to make sure we are always learning. From having to prove even though my kid is homeschooled, contrary to popular believe she IS smart, involved, and NOT socially akward. From having to be involved in everything. From knowing everyone in the community and having to carry on intelligent conversations with them, which I generally enjoy, but would like to just have the option to be quiet for once. From having to know the ins and outs of my Husband and serving his every last need, no natter now trivial. Does he expect me to? For the most part, yes. And he appreciates it. Do I expect him to work and support us? Yes. And I appreciate it too. I'm tired from going to church every single Sunday and being at every meeting. Every event. Every invite we ever receive. Dressed and ready with homemade goodies in hand.
I Love what I do. There are no words to describe the joy and fulfillment I have. But some days being the best person you can be at ALL times you can be it, it will make you tired. And you just need to wind down.
For those of you who haven't noticed, this is how I wind down. I write every thought in my head. I ramble. And I reason. But now I feel much better. When I look in the mirror, I like who I see. I like the family environment my Husband and I have created. And I like the lifestyle that we live. But sometimes we all need a little sleep. So that is what I shall do.