Thursday, October 15, 2015
I never am. Unless of course I am in my dream. Which is like every night. And then of course I always wake up. I used to wake up sad. Now I'm just starting to get angry. We just hit ANOTHER year anniversary of "trying." I have done SO. MUCH. this year. I have put in a lot of research. No. Not Internet forums. Books! Real books. I've tried 8 different supplements. And while all of them are working, I guess they either take a lot of time or they aren't working enough. (And yes. I know they are working because when I first started taking them I didn't tell J. To be honest, I was pretty embarrassed it had come to that and I new he would feel bad. Anyhow, let's just say he noticed some difference and asked about it.)
I've cut down the supplements to the ones that seem to work the best and they are working. VERY well. Especially the ones I just started taking. Two months on them and I don't ever feel sick anymore. I'm never in pain. In fact, it's the reason why I was total convinced this month that I was pregant. I HAD to be! I never cramped. I wasn't tired. My boobs didn't even hurt...Until my temp. started dropping. Now I know. Even if by some miracle I were pregnant, it wouldn't stick. I'm not even going to test.
I've gotten to the point where I don't even consider testing early anymore. I just wait it out. I can't stand negative signs. I generally don't even convince myself that I am. I don't waste my time Google-ing those "am I pregnant" questions anymore. In fact, "the two week" wait isn't even torture like it used to be. Which sounds good, but not really. I've pretty much given up. I was so positive. So sure it was going to happen soon. The dream I had at the beginning of the year. We found a name. I had everything I needed. The supplements were working...I'm on my last string of hope. These next 3-4 months on Serrapeptase will be a game changer or a deal breaker. But I'm at the point I don't want to play the game anymore. I'm getting angry and this is what I want to say.
Fine! I was willing to give it ALL up for a baby. For another family member.
My body. My time. My sanity.
I won't spend the next 9 months sleeping all day and throwing up the few hours I'm awake. Or bitching at my Husband because my hormones are going crazy. Waking up in the night crying because I don't know why. Gaining pounds by the minute. Watching new stretch marks form on my body every passing day. Leaking Good knows what from my boobs. And getting sick to my stomach when my Husband mentions sex. Having my daughter walk up the hill to get our mail because I don't waddle fast enough. Trying to squeeze in behind the wheel of the car. Worrying because you can put your belly in a carseat. Being left out of everything because everyone around you is afraid for the baby if you sneeze wrong. And I definitely won't be spending another 29 hours in labor praying for it to end so I can just meet her...
But instead, I'll just keep my body! I love wearing size 2 and 3. And I like being able to wear cute little skirts with tight tanktops. I like my cutesy coats and workout clothes. I may have stretch marks, but nobody else knows that when I'm walking around in my new Abercrombie dress.
I'll keep my time. I like my sleep. I'll continue to sleep all night. Wake up refreshed. I don't even need a nap in the day anymore-ever. I like cooking dinner without someone at my leg. I like visiting with friends without having to chase a toddler. I like sitting down with my Husband at night and having time to rub his feet and watch an episode of NCIS before bed. I like my alone time with S. I like volunteering and having her help as opposed to telling her to stay in one room with her toys. I like being able to pick up and do what she wants. We both like bird watching in peace. And you know what, I like my down time for puzzles and reading. How will I do that when I'm carting 2 to activities or entertaining and educating 2 all day?
I'm looking forward to our vacation. So fine. I won't be able to tell J at our fancy dinner night like I wanted. Whatever. I enjoy it when it is just the 3 of us and I know I will this time too. At least I won't have to worry about whether or not I can zipline or sample the moonshine or get in the hot tub! I'll get to have fun either way. At least I won't be puking on my way up the trail or worrying about if it's too strenuous.
And you know what, I'll keep my money too! You know how much more it will be to eat out and go on vacation and such? Especially since S will be a preteen or even teen by time we'd have to start buying its own meals or paying admission to places. And what about Christmas? Birthdays? Pictures? Educational supplies? Buying just because? Or paying for activities? Heck, you know how much money we saved on cloth diaper detergent over the last 3 years?!
And my sanity. I hold it dear to my heart. I always tell S that my bath time-where I blog, read, etc. is my sanity time. And she is old enough to understand. So I get at least one hour a day to sit and do whatever I want. Sometimes I may do some CHEA stuff like send some emails. Or some home stuff like work on a budget. But it is still my "me" time I can do whatever I want with. And you know another thing my 7 year old understand? How to keep her mess in one room and how to clean up. How do you tell a one year old to confine themselves to one room if they want to play? You don't. So unless I'm going to hire a maid, I gotta clean. I like things so so and what is a toddler with no bedtime going to do? Rip right through it all as I sit down to rest.
No arguing. No disagreements. No refereeing. No making sure not to play favorites. No having to split a kids meal. No scheduling conflicts. No "fair."
So Yes. I have it easy folks. Looks like it will always be that way.