This week has been exceptionally hard. And it is weeks like these that I want to call it quits. Not because S. But because life happens and I feel like I'm having to deal with it instead of living it along side her.
Days like these I sit and think about what it would be like to be a stay at home mom while Samantha was in school. It sounds good in principle.
I already have my schedule planned out. Monday I would spend with Hubby since he is off. Tuesday I would spend the morning walking with some of my new Mommy friends. We would talk about our kids and how they are doing in school. Enjoy a few hours to ourselves. Then afterward, I would head off to the Center to volunteer. Wednesdays I would stay home and catch up on all my cleaning that I usually do in the mornings while S sleeps. It is a good errand day too. And Thursdays I would volunteer at her school and eat lunch with her. Friday would be my free day. I'm sure she would have some school events. Or maybe I'd have extra cleaning to do. Somebody to meet up with. Or a project that needs to be done. Oh. The free time I would have....
But everything that I would miss. Sunday/Mondays there would be no camping. Tuesdays S would not be able to volunteer with me. Wednesdays we wouldn't have home days. AKA days were we can wake up and play games at home or take a last minute trip to the park to paint and study the Civil war. Thursdays I would miss the same. And Fridays we would not meet with CHEA. We would not have a miniature fieldtrip that we get to choose and post on the CHEA calendar. We would not have a Bird A Thon. Or History Fair. We would not have days where we get with friends to do lessons through building with Legos or other things the kids love. Sure, I could still take her to the library and we would do extra curriculars. But afternoons can be a bear. And weekends-FORGET ABOUT IT! And for what? To be able to go to a gym alone? Or eat breakfast with friends once a week?
And all the running that goes along with it. Early morning wake up. And drop off. Gotta be there on time for pick up. And make sure to have homework done by this date. And permission slips with money by this time. Dont forget they need to order a tshirt. And Tuesday is the talent show! Send $2. I'm sure it would be draining. It is not all it sounds like it would be. I'm sure.
But the last few weeks, mainly the last 3 days, have just been rough. And I feel like the devil is trying to get me down. He IS trying to get me down. And the grass is always greener...I won't let him. Better things are coming and I'm choosing to keep positive. I keep watering my plants. And taking care of things that need to be done before S wakes up. Even though I would love nothing more than some sleep! And I clean the house the best I can. And cover my eyes when I begin to see the imperfections. I keep allowing Samantha to spend her days as she pleases, knowing collectively, she is still experiencing so much. But inside I feel like there is always something to do. Always something that still could be cleaned better. I wish I didn't have to worry about her education. Sometimes I wish I had another teacher to share the burden. But I know I don't really mean that.
I love having that "burden." I know that will make me all the more proud as Samantha grows. For us, there is no specific graduation date. There is no end to education. So I will eternally delight in the fact that she is learning and growing now and in the future.
In fact, I love having that burden so much - the burden of education AND socialization-that I have been serving in ever area I can for her homeschool support group over the last 2 years. I started out small. Christmas party. And slowly, I got involved in everything. Even if it means playing the small part like putting out the table cloths. Or bringing the bottled waters. I've planned this and that. And the next thing I knew I was on the Board of Directors.
This year, I served as Secretary. I really enjoyed writing out the Minutes. And typing them up and sending them for approval. Yea. I am a tedious person.
Although I started helping out to give my support for S-and will continue to do so by planning events I know she woukd enjoy and learn from...To be honest, the Board is for me. That's right. I said it. It is how I keep my sanity. Having something to do that I enjoy. I enjoy order. Total and complete structure. By choice - we do not have that rigid structure in our homeschool. I do that for S though. Not for me. She is an artist. Everywhere with her ideas. And she does not thrive on structure like I do but I have to have it. I crave it. And the Board is how I get my fix. Not only does the Board provide structure for me. It also provides a chance for me to spend time with friends. I'm bad about focusing on "what needs to be done" all the time. Here is x, y, z. If it isn't in my regular schedule, I have a hard time accommodating. I have a hard time making time to go see friends for myself because S needs to see her friends. Hubby needs me. We need a home day to work on projects. I have work for the Center. I haven't read my Bible in 3 days. I'm planning a CHEA field trip. Dinner needs to be cooked. There is this long list. And unless there is a way to trick my mind into taking that break to be with friends, I won't do it. So there you have it. Time with friends. (Everybody always gets on to me for that. And I mean everybody. It isn't something I do on purpose. There is always just SO MUCH to be done!!!!)
So this year I was elected to be CHEA President. And. I. Took. It. Why would I take it if there is always so much to be done? I took it for myself. That's right. I took it because I like having things to do. I like having work. I don't work full time. So I always have to get my fix of "feeling productive" (aside the fact of you know, raising and educating a child)-I have to get that feeling somewhere else. I totally get what people mean when they say they HAVE to work but my heart was torn between being home with my S and going to college and finding a professional job. This is a way that I can have the best of both worlds and I'm going to take it.
I have to admit, I have never had full say before. At our last meeting where our former president passed the baton, I asked her when our next board meeting would take place and if we were doing the Back to School picnic in August or September...."That's all up to you now," she said. That's when it hit me. I'm a little nervous. But more excited. All these things that needs to be planned. All the things that need to be done. I'm in Heaven.
She packed me down with things like the mailbox key and Field Day supplies, old yearbooks, CHEA'S sound system....and there is more she will give me later. But I don't mind. We meet again in June to go over all my duties. And I can't wait. I am just bursting. I know that I will make a good president. Call me conceited. But it's true. I'm an organized type A personality that will juggle my focus between several projects at once and still get them done. The only place I think-er, I know I will struggle is conflict. I don't want to solve conflict between people. Luckily there is very little of that in our group. And absolutely no drama in the 2 years we have been in.
Wow. Speaking of. I can't believe we are going on our 3rd year of homeschooling. 3rd year. I can't even describe the leaps and bounds S has made. Watching her in the library today excited about her new American Girl books. Reading the description to herself. This girl has come a long way from the S who fought with me to read a leveled reader. And this Mama has changed, a lot too!!
Anyway, wish me luck! I'M GOING TO BE PRESIDENT!!!!