I Have You, Sister and Parent Brag

I recently read a blog post on loneliness. 

And I remember those days. 

Sitting in my apartment, posting on forums, and crying. 

Spending my days at home with two littles-one of whom is a sibling I watched. Wanting to pull my hair out because I didn't know why they always were arguing. 

And then when my brother went to school, it was just us. And we were even lonelier. 

It was a hard time. Big S would cry and want to know why her friends were in school and she wasn't. I promised her next year would be better. 

Because next year we would be able to start joining homeschool groups. 

And it was. 

That is where it all started. 

Suddenly, we were no longer alone. I remember the name and face of the first person to tell me hello. Ginger. I remember very well the name and face of the first woman in the community who was my friend. Suzette. She still is my friend, whom I am forever grateful for. She is more than a friend. She is my mentor, and I love her for all that she taught me about the Bible, about homeschooling, and about life. About how to be a friend and how to love like Christ. I remember the first woman who forever changed my life when she convinced me to organize the Christmas party-OUR FIRST YEAR! Nekey. She changed me in ways she will never know. She encouraged me and led me to find where my talents lie. I cannot tell you how many events I have planned since. I remember the first time we "did life" with together. I remember the first time I spoke to a Mom of 5 who-unknown to me at the time-would lead us to the church. Rhea. The church where we worship together and do life together. The church where we have grown as a family, learned how to be better parents, and grown in our knowledge of the Bible and apologetics. The church that has grown us in smaller ways too. The church that has taught us how to potluck, taught us how to love generously, and taught us how to work out our differences. 

I praise God for the numerous sisters who have come along side me through this journey that we started 11 years ago. When I think about it, when I truly ponder that, it moves me to tears. My sisters have walked with me through struggles. I have walked with them too. I have prayed with them, and they have prayed with me. Through babies, through loss, through parenting, through health issues, through sickness, through life. Some sisters are for a season. Some are for a lifetime, but I know that each of these sisters are a gift from the Lord, leading me through life and closer to Him. 

Funny side note. As a homeschooler, most people imagine I see my child 24/7. That is not the case. There are so many classes/activities, so many sleepovers, so many events. There are adults who just take my oldest out and pour into her. And I LOVE it! BUT, sometimes Mom guilt sneaks in. And I think, "Maybe I don't see them enough." 

Then Big S said this, "I know you raised me. You are my Mom, and I am with you most of the time. But, in some ways, I also feel like I was raised by the homeschool community." And she is so right. I think back to all the women who poured into her over the years through all the things I listed, and my heart continues to burst with thankfulness. Not only was I blessed by these ladies, but daughters have been too. There are few things more beautiful that seeing that all come full circle. We are well into highschool. I know I will blink and she will be graduating. The closer she gets, the more I see the difference it has made in her life. And I know that the same thing is happening for Little S right now. Different ladies, different lessons, different skills, different season, but all of it the same beautiful result. 

My sisters. They have me. 

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On another note, I am SOOOO proud of both Big S and Little S! They are both moving on up in age and accomplishing SOOOO much. 

I'll start with Little S because Big S always ends up going first. Here is the short of it. A few weeks ago she decided she wanted to read. Now she does. That was that. She decided that it was going to be beneficial to her if she wanted to do certain things, so she started putting in the effort. Before I knew it, she was reading words that she never learned the "rules" for. Just like Big S. It has been so neat to watch her grow into a big girl, to see her act more like a young lady. She is kind and sweet, but not afraid to stand up for herself in a polite way. She is a good friend, and she loves God and others with everything in her. She has INCREDIBLE questions. Her brain  makes connections easily. She is very academic. AND she is also musical. She began playing piano this year and will start music classes in the fall. This has been a new season of life. We have spent the last 15 years in the "baby stage" because of how far apart they are, and I must say I see why people knock out the baby stage all at once now! Do I miss having a baby? Yes. Do I love this season? ABSOLUTELY! 

Now on to Big S. Parenting a teen has been such a joy! I have loved seeing Big S explore her interests, form her own deeper friendships, and ask questions that she never considered before. She is applying all that she has learned over the years, and I have really enjoyed the late night talks and bonding (even though some of it has been through tears and hard lessons.) This weekend we will be staying up until midnight and waiting for the cast list release for her acting group. Why is that? Because she auditioned to be in an ensemble this year. She has spent months studying the show they will be doing, learning the plot line and historical background. She has learned how to sing operettic music. She has a beautiful voice. Her stage presence is ON POINT, and her positive attitude is contagious! Her audition went REALLY well, but it is HIGHLY competitive. She received great feedback, and those judges don't mince words, so I am confident it was sincere. However, again...only the best get it. And you have the be the whole package. So we sha'll see. 

These years are so different, but no less joy filled than the baby and toddler years. In fact, I enjoy being able to soak it in without being exhausted. 

In the next few weeks we will be starting our new schedule for school (since we never really stop). While Little S will have music class, we are swapping with another Mom who will take Big S to a nursing home to volunteer during craft time and BINGO. And Little S will have a friend to attend music with her and do nature walks, like a miniature co-op. It's gonna be a good one, this year. It always is. 

Homeschool January

It's January. 

Oh, January. The time of year that most of us Mom's want to throw in the towel. No matter how long you have been homeschooling or how many kids you have, January seems to be the month of regret. Everybody is still tired from the holidays (or, in the case of the last 2 years,  rising COVID cases). Co-ops are starting back. Activities have begun again. The weather is dreary. And Spring is OH SO far away. 

But this year I don't feel that way. (Ask me again tomorrow. It may change.) I am just in awe that this is our 9th year of homeschooling! What?! In so many ways it seems longer than that. But in others it seems shorter. Am I veteran yet? Probably not since I have only been homeschooling one child the entire time. But I do like to think I have some helpful insight to some. 

Nine years makes Big S 13. Highschool is right around the corner. In fact, I'm already scoping out curriculum. When we first started homeschooling we looked for bugs on the ground, took field trips to the fire station, and snuggled in bed reading books in the winter time. Okay, we still do that one. But our days look much different now. She used to spend all her days playing with her toys, which is tremendously healthy and natural. (It's what Little S does now.) Everybody told me to enjoy it, and I did-to the fullest. But I also looked forward to the day that all the unschoolers and homeschoolers talked about. The day where she found what she loved and she dug her heels in and learned everything she possibly could about it. And the days are here. She has always bounced from one interest to the next, but most of it she didn't research on her own and she surely didn't want to do anything that took real effort. 

But now. Now it's so different. I recently learned that my daughter could sing. Like, sing. And all the musical skill she has been learning the last two years have finally come together. Not only can she play piano fluently and compose her own music, she can play ukelele. And she is learning violin. She can keep a great beat. She can identify pitches by ear. And did I mention she can sing? She is learning to animate with a graphic tablet, use alcohol markers, and draw realistic human faces. 

She is so incredibly talented and her demeanor lightens the mood in every room. Her stage presence is spot on, and she just emits this glow about her. She is my caring creative girl who is hard on herself and equally hard on others (Maybe not a great thing, but none of us are perfect.) 

Looking into the future, she is interested in Mission work. She is actively learning Spanish so she can travel to Mexico. (Today she wrote out an entire conversations between two family members just to practice. Who says they won't assign themselves their own work?) And as much as she fought it in the beginning, she is loving worldview too! And she is learning the Bible in depth, completing study after study to understand the history and meaning behind each book. Seeing the love of Jesus in her makes me wish so much I had that same passion she does when I was her age. She has had so many opportunities and influences that I did not. Honestly, I sometimes fear that the real world world be harsh on her and will shake her faith. And then I remember that's why we are equipping her. We WANT her faith to be shaken. We just don't want her to give in to the world. We want it to strengthen her. 

Hour after hour. Day after day I have wondered if we are doing enough. Will she know enough? Is she learning for the long-run and and not just for memorization? Did we take advantage of the time she has with us? And in light of the recent months, I would say Yes. Absolutely Yes. Not too much and not too little. Her love of learning has become evident when she says things like, "And next I'll learn sign language, and next...." or "I can't wait to start Worldview Science." Her love for God becomes evident when she says things like, "I think everybody should know Jesus." And those were the goals. Love God and love learning. The rest will come. 

Big kids are great. I have so enjoyed learning more about who she is over the last few years. But I can't forget my little. I only hope that we see the same fruits of our efforts with her. We have worked hard over the years to encourage certain behaviors (that didn't require encouraging with Big S). But character building is part of homeschooling and parenting in general. She is budding into this brilliant little girl who makes connections like crazy. She too can identify different worldviews! (Just from listening to conversations between us and between friends.) She says things like, "They think they are perfect in that movie. Don't they realize that Jesus is the only one who is perfect? Or do they not believe the Bible?" She can't put names on the worldviews yet, but she pinpoints the differences like a pro. She too has interests. Recently it is painting. She is such a perfectionist that she will paint the same picture over and over until she gets it just the way she wants it. She also loves Nature Studies we do. (Something Sam was never interested in even though she loved nature itself.) She also spends a lot of time at her nature table playing with her kinetic sand and wooden people. And she has so many sweet friendships friendships she is learning to navigate. She is my sweet and sour drama queen with a HUGE heart. She is also a social butterfly and I love her so much!!

The dynamic between the two is more than my heart can handle. It's bursting with love. When I hear my girls playing ukelele and signing songs in the bedroom my heart fills to the top with joy that the two of them have each other. When they spend hours building a Casita for their toys, I melt.  When Big S sits with Little S and teaches her to draw her first realistic face, I can't believe that I have such wonderful kids. 

I mourned for 4 years that I was struggling to have another child, but it was so worth the wait. 

Homeschooling is mentally and emotionally hard some days, but the payoff is tremendously large. Sometimes I wish I could go to work so we could have more money or I could do something that makes an impact on more people. But it's days like to today, a January day at that, that I know the impact on the world will be large whether I go to work or stay home with these sweet girls. And I choose these girls. 

2020 Year

 It all blurs together really. 

Time. 

Especially this year in the midst of the COVID pandemic. 

And this year I am not ready for change.

I'm scared actually. 

That if Fall comes, other things will change. 

And to be honest, I'm taking reality in doses right now. 

It has been laid on my heart that the years blissful ignorance or over and my eyes have been opened to the evils of the world. 

I'm not talking conspiracies. In fact, I have stayed away from the news. 

I'm talking about the true, heart wrenching realization that there is more going on in the world than we have going on inside these 4 walls. 

And something must be done. 

So it is only a matter of time before we have to go from living our typical American lives to putting ourselves in uncomfortable places and doing the work we are called to do. 

Right now is a time of growth though. So we have all resolved to spend this next season of life educating ourselves. All of us. On God. On His will for our lives. On the things that we were just allowing to happen around us without so much as a tiny bit of thought. 

As we move forward with that, we still strive to keep a love of learning alive in Big S. So although we are unschooling still-in that she has some control over her education-she has picked some things she wants to formally learn (like writing and logic) and we will be going forward with that. 

I have to say that I am quite excited about her new books because they will require her to stretch her mind beyond what she knows and beyond what I could teach her myself. Her math is a Christian Worldview curriculum that explains God's consistencies in math. It starts with elementary concepts and moves all the way through Algebra explaining how you can literally see God work through all of it! Writing was good. Nothing spectacular but will give her a good base for public speaking next year which she wants to do to help with acting. And her logic book will be something we do together as a family. It teaches how to identify false logic such as red herrings and propaganda. I think now more than ever it is important for her to learn that. Seeing all the chaos in the country when all of this happened, I feel like learning to identify false logic will assist her in living without fear and not allowing Satan to get a stronghold on her as she grows older. 

She will still have Bible, History, reading, and piano (all her choice as well)-but those are nothing new. Her and I are working through the Little House series and she has recently become engrossed in "Bud, Not Buddy." 

Watching her learn piano over the last year had been heartwarming. Especially when I found out that she would be assisting in church worship soon. I just pray that these are the things that will stay with her forever. That she will realize the significance behind it. 

I will also be doing some of my own learning. I have courses on government, psychology, vegetable gardening, and church history. 

Jessie will be focusing on getting an IT Cert. For work and putting a lot of energy in ministry as he enters his first year as youth pastor. 

We have a lot to look forward to in the months to come as we learn how to live this life during war-times. 

I can't sit idol. God did not call me to be idol and all the cleaning I have done in the last 9 months has done the kingdom no good. 

So here goes nothing....

It Is Finished

My heart is bursting with joy.

It is heavy with happiness for my Husband and for our family.

I have too many blessings to count.

But most recently it is because my Husband just graduated college and started a new job on the same day.

That's right. We got married in high school, almost 11 years ago, and 8 of those years one of us has been in school full time. Now it is finally over.

I may go to college one day, because I would love counsel when my children leave the house. And he has talked about seminary. (Lord, help us if he goes!) But the most important thing is that we no longer have to deal with school as an "only means to move forward."

He worked at Comcast almost all of his adult working life, and we knew that nothing would get him out of the field, out of manual labor, and pay as well as Comcast without a degree. So he went to school.

Every Sunday was devoted to schoolwork-and many evenings after work were spent trying to get motivated to complete assignments. I will never understand the amount of energy and drive it took him just complete each assignment after working 40-55 hours a week (sometimes more if he was traveling).

Many weeks he drug his feet and during the last year, he caught Senioritis and began skipping assignments here and there, but he did it.

And I am SO proud of him.

He landed a job nearby our house working IT with a promise that if he meets their expectations that they will move him into the brand new cyber security division when they get it up and running later in the year.

It is a stable company that has been around years and years. Amazing benefits. Pay is comparable to what he was making minus the overtime. And they are family and community oriented. (Volunteer projects, we can go eat lunch with him at the office, he can keep the girls for up to 2 hours if I need to go somewhere without them, etc.).

My heart is full. More time with my Husband AND he will finally be doing something that he is happy doing. No more dragging the ground exhausted because he just worked 10 hours out in the heat that day. No more soaking wet freezing cold boots dragging the floor when he gets home, just wanting to get under the covers because it's cold.

There will be challenges. And hard days. Who knows, probably some office politics. But he is moving forward and he is nervous-but happy to be out of his office on wheels.

It's funny. We always thought, "You won't know what to do with all your free time once you finish school."

It is already filling up fast. With good things of course, but I am having to remind him of balance.

One thing I never want to forget is that we are a family and family time is a priority. Our weeks together are numbered and they go by too fast. Mondays used to be reserved as a family day for us, which was much easier to do than reserving a Saturday will be because everybody wants to hang out and do things on the weekends. I'm a little worried, but balance will just need to be a priority.

I can see God's hand in this. The story being woven is beautiful, and I am praying that this will lead into a place where we can build our relationship with each other and with God and use it for His purpose.

That is the biggest reason why my heart is full.

Middle School and Toddler Blues Babbling

Monday was the day-like so many other years-that most people posted "First Day of School" photos on their social media. (Even some of my homeschool friends did.)

It always makes me think of what it would be like to do cutesy stuff like that with Big S if she were in school. But it also makes me thankful to have her home because we always have fun things planned for the year.

This year is a tiny bit different, however. It is slow-going. Acting class was cancelled, so Big S only has scouts and youth group-neither of which is during the day. And one is only twice a month. I thought it would be a great opportunity to do the spur of the moment things we used to do, like trips to the park, volunteering all day at the library, and seeing friends with no notice.

But I am struggling with what I guess would be called the Toddler Blues. I just don't want to "deal with it." I'm tired, and I have no idea why. My brain is always exhausted. Always. I don't feel like loading up 50 bzillion snacks and chasing her around the library asking her to be quieter. I think once it cools down, park visits will be nice. And I am always up for a good play date. But I don't have the same enthusiasm I have had in the past. I don't feel like what I do....means enough. Now, I know that's not true. But I can't help but feel that way about what I do day in and day out, correcting math work, disciplining a toddler, and washing dishes... Big S is in middle school now. She researches her own stuff that she wants to learn. She does her math on her own. And Little S just wants to play. She doesn't want to sit for long periods of time sorting counting bears or playing Tanagrams like Big S did. I try to play and teach them both as much as I can, but overall, I feel useless. Like my job is just to drive them around where they need to go and sit there while they do what they need to do. I try to stay active by volunteering at scouts and participating in the adult study on 'youth nights,' but the library or anything else that doesn't request outside volunteers, I sit, and I wait.

I try to stay available while Big S does her math. It appears to be more like lingering though The laundry is minimal because we have a pair of "home clothes," not night clothes that we wear all week (unless they get dirty), and we wear the same outfit at least twice before washing. The cleaning is minimal because we are minimalists. And I am glad to not spend my life cleaning, because as much as I enjoy it, I know it is not a valuable way to spend my time if I don't have to. But where is the balance? Maybe I am just rambling, but I feel useless. I feel like I am either too busy to give my girls the attention they need or I am not busy enough.

It is a new day today. I am feeling a tad more positive. Although, the toddler and I are dealing with allergies, so it was a slow day again. With that said, I have resolved to enjoy where we are. I will find things to fill the time, like learning about chickens or just cuddling our toddler. It is the calm before the storm. Only this time, we have warning. The last time we had calm like this, my sisters moved in. We plan to start pursuing adoption again next year, which we know is a big deal with lots to do, so I will take this time to show my girls my love for them, to force myself to go out and do things, even if it means I need to plan each trip that we take to the playground.

I am going back to my planning book. Each day, I have Sam's assignment written down-which is not many. I have a simple, minimal  prep work activity (like today I took all her magnetic letters and spread them on the floor. I gave her a basket and asked her to "Find the B. What does B say?" Easy peasy. She got attention. I didn't have to play dolls. We all win. And then I have some random trip days written down for nature walks and bike rides. I am just in a season where I need to expect those things ahead of time. Otherwise, I will never do them. And that's okay. I just have to make sure I plan.

So middle school is not looking like what I imagined for Big S, lots of activities and independence, business and fulfillment. But that's okay. Bedore I know it, we will be there again and I will be asking myself "What happened? Where did time go?"

What we do have planned is:

Acting Camp-Since acting class was cancelled, Big S will be participating in Acting Camp where many of her middle school friends already participate.

Learning Piano (Hopefully)-She says she wants to learn, and we have told her if she continues to ahow enthusiasm for it and learn thr basics of reading music for it by using outside resources, we will pay for lessons with a friend of ours and evebtuslly buy her a keyboard. It just makes sense. I would love for hwr to leave the house knowing how to play an instrument. Plus, it goes along with her passion for performing arts.

Spanish-Now that Big S has gotten to an average typing speed for her grade and learned all her cursive, I have told her she can move on to learning Spanish, so it won't be long before she starts Rosetta Stone/Homeschool Edition. Woo Hoo!

Chores-Here is something she has never had before. She has always helped around the houde with stuff like carrying in groceries, taking out the trash, assisting with the baby, etc. But she has never had to empty the dishwasher, wash dishes, fold laundry, etc. Middle achool is a good time to introduce those necessary skills. Poor girl!

Reconnected

Last Tuesday was amazing to say the least. Over the last year, Samantha and my relationship has been....on hold, I guess you could say. I found myself becoming increasingly irritable with Big S even after the girls left. I am really not sure why. I think I just needed rest. We took the rest of December off. And when I say "off," I mean we took a vacation. We celebrated holidays. We had no activities. We slept in even on the weekdays. And we spent a lot of time sitting around reading.

Our homeschooling also took a break over the last year. And I know, when you homeschool, you never stop learning, because life is learning, but our style of homeschooling took a back seat. We did stuff and learned. But the biggest element in our unschooling way of life-spontaneous trips-disappeared almost completely. It was hard to get up and go somewhere last minute so she could photograph something when we had to be home by 2:30. And to be honest, it was hard for me to get he motivation as well.

But this semester we are back on the horse. Tuesdays are going to be our craziest day. I would liken it to other homeschoolers' co-op day. I spend the morning cleaning the house and putting dinner in the crockpot. Then we eat lunch and head off to acting. It is 25 miles from the house. It is also a 4 hour class, so I found some stores and parks in the area that Little S and I can go to while she is in class. Then we head straight to Heritage Girls, 54 miles in the other direction, get home around 10 and crash.

I stayed for the first half of class because I had never met the teacher, and she was nervous, so she asked me to stay. They had so much fun. Generally, they will rehearse the first 2 hours of class. But this was their first class, so she had them "audition in groups" by doing improv together. She numbered their groups and gave them a topic to act out. They only had a few minutes to plan. She explained that chairs often serve as props when rehearsing and of course taught them the few "rules" of improv, like never telling your partners no.  Then she switched around the groups and they got a new topic to act out. She told them they did not have to have a speaking part during improv if they didn't want, and I thought Sam would run with that because she was so nervous. But she didn't! She spoke and she was funny. And she worked together with her groups. She bit her nails the entire time, but hey, it's a start. Her teacher asked who did not want a part (like who only wanted to work backstage), and what they wanted to do. She took every suggestion and said, "Yes!" She told them this was their play, and they would get to design the set and costumes, everything. She gave them the option to learn special effects makeup, because someone asked. She made everything a learning opportunity. I was thoroughly impressed. During the lesson, which is an hour and a half, then snack, social time and games for the last half hour, Sara started to get fussy. It was naptime, so I asked Sam if I could leave. She said yes, since she had 3 friends there-one was a new friend-she thought she would be okay.

When I came back, she was so excited to have something to tell me that I did not know. We talked all the way to Heritage Girls, and all the way back. We both agreed we felt reconnected. We didn't just talk about acting. Although hat was the bulk of it. We talked about her future, her relationship with God, her feelings toward the situation with the girls...It was nice.

We went home and immediately crashed. The next day Sam went to a friend's house, and it was all about Sara. Just her and me. Like when Big S was an only child. She had a PAT meeting at the house. We read some books together. We played outside for a long time. We explored, looked in the grass, found rocks, chased leaves, rode bikes. She took a nap. The house was quiet. I got some housework done and calls made. We went to the library where she sat on the floor and pretended to read...

I have missed the slow days with both my girls. From now on, Wednesdays will be Slow Days for Sara, because Tuesdays are rough on her. We always go to storytime in the morning and play outside. But we usually end up doing errands the rest of the afternoon.  From now on, I will do those on my own on Saturday night. Instead, we are going to go home and start adding in paints or something specifically for her. Sam will still have her independent work, but that day will be reserved for Sara, and I won't be helping Sam with any major projects until Thursday.

These are the kinds of days that remind me why we homeschool.

My Lord, My Lord

It is Thanksgiving, and my have things changed over the last year.

Every Thanksgiving my Dad, who drives a truck, would threaten to quit his job if they would not let him off to be here. Thanksgiving was his religious holiday. He could not wait to celebrate at his place-when he got one. He went all out. One year he bought 200 feet of name brand alluminum foil. 5 pounds of briskett. Crab legs. Lobster. Giant boxes of Christmas chocolates. You name it. He came in and spoiled the grand children.  Well, grandchild. Sara was too young the last 2 years and didn't want anything to do with anybody but me. We went Black friday shopping and talked and talked for hours. He was truly happy that day, but the rest of the year was unfulfilling for him.

Fast forward a few months. My Husband and I were given custody of two sweet, innocent girls, who albiet have some things they are struggling through, bring lots of light to the entire family's life. They are my sisters. My Dad's kids. (And of course the daughters of his ex wife.) We had met them once.

I tried not to post on here much about the joys  struggles to respect their privacy as well as the privacy of their parents. Although, I needed to. I had a lot of anger and frustration as well as celebratory times and messages of hope. But while we were part of the case, it didn't feel right. I am still not taking sides on what happened or who should have them. But I will say this. They are no longer in our custody. They live with their Dad. And this is their first and last Thanksgiving in town. They  are moving to Iowa. And I am sad. I thought I would be happy that we can all move on. But a big part of me isn't.

As for Thanksgiving, this year is different. My Dad did come in from driving his truck, but it was his last day. He is giving up his CDL. He has to be home for the kids. He isn't nagging me about not buying paper towels or having more kitchen gadgets, because he knows the struggles of saving money and not having enough room in the drawers. We aren't Black Friday shopping either. And there will not be much briskett and no Christmas chocolates. But that is okay, because this year there are 2 more people to love, a lot more happiness in his heart, and we all just grew and learned from the last 10 months.

I learned that, just like when Sara was born, I have an amazing support group of loving family members and friends. If it were not for my Husband supporting me in opening the house up to these two beautiful children, we would have never been able to witness the miracles we have or build a bond with my sisters. I won't say he didn't have his fair share of struggles. I won't say he didn't get angry when I felt lied to or betrayed. Heck, I won't even say I handled it right. Although, he never once took it out on them.  I won't say that he spent every waking moment pouring into them his spiritual knowledge or wisdom. I won't even say that he was always the greatest influence. But I will say this. He allowed me to do those things. He supported me when I wanted to take them places or teach them things, just like he does with our girls. He sat at the dinner table each night, despite his exhaustion, because I was completely convicted of the fact that these girls needed to see a regular family dinner. They needed to see a family unit gathering at the end of the day and taking turns talking about events and other important topics. Heck, he even bought, transported, and constructed the new table I picked out to fit the 6 of us. At one point, we were this close to buying a mini van so we could all fit in the same car....until I backed out. He spent hours listening to me vent. He kept our girls when I needed to cry. And he *attempted* to encourage me when I felt the most empty, which was many times. That man is my rock. Ten years of marriage, and I love him increasingly more with every trial that we face, because we face it together and we become stronger for it.

I had a Mom who heard it all. The good and the bad, but most often the bad. And while she did not exactly provide the Biblical advice I needed, I was able to lay it all  before her while she attempted to put together the broken pieces. As my mother, all she wanted to do was fix it for me.

I had friends who rejoiced with me when my sister was saved. I had friends who played a huge part in that too. I had friends who guided me to scripture that could teach these sweet girls about struggles and the redemption of the Lord. I had friends who offered to keep them so I could just breathe. (Going from 1 kid to 4 in a year was a lot. But to be honest, it was the situation itself that was a source of stress. Dealing with their parents. Trying to appease their sibling's need to see them, which I totally understand. DFCS'S unrealistic expectations that I should put them above my own 2 children at all times. Dealing with 2 in school and 2 at home while my Husband can't help because he is dealing with work and school full time, traveling for work constantly, while also finishing the basement. Needing to be able to leave them with him sometimes, but not being able to, because he is a male, and we need to cover our own butts.) I had friends that brought meals in the beginning when we were trying to figure out our new life. Friends
 who gave us giftcards for food when we weren't receiving help. Friends that texted just to check in. Friends who I texted after court cases to tell them it was a long day, and their response...."Have you eaten? Let me bring you some Wendy's at our meeting tonight." Friends that spoke to my sisters with such sweetness and empathy when they saw them. We were surrounded by positive, life giving words and love abounding.

And most importantly, I had a God who was with me at all times. I had a God that I wanted to draw nearer to during this time of chaos inside the walls of our home. When I wanted to fall to my knees when one child was slamming her body against the wall fighting me and begging me let her hair stay in knots. And another was screaming and crying, throwing a toddler tantrum at my feet. And another one was hurting inside because this was her new normal and she felt like she never had me because when they were at school, I was always making calls to counselors and attorneys and CASAs. And when I wasn't, I was tired and broken. And, as for the 4th child, I had no idea what was going on in her brain, because she had barely spoken to me since the day she got here....And I just called, "My Lord, My Lord!" And he gave me the peace and calm I needed during the storms. And he gave me the energy I needed on Saturday nights for games, a read aloud, and a devotion in the tent. I knew that he was faithful, and we would make it through.

And I do not quite know if I could have made it without God and all those he planted in our lives. But we did it. And they made it to the light at the other side od the tunnel. Now they will have a wonderful, powerful testimony to give as they grow older. And they will have the love and understanding they need to have for other children in the system. And I do thank God for all the growth we have all experienced daily. And for the opportunity we had to do what he has called me to do since middle school.

And now we will move on with our lives. And whatever happens next, will happen. And we will get through it too, the same way we did this time.

Side Note: We will be going out of town to visit the Biltmore in the next few weeks. I cannot wait! It will be a breath of fresh air! A break from reality. We have hardly anything planned, aside from the Biltmore itself. I chose a luxury hotel at a great deal! A place where we can just be-together. I can't wait!