Defeated

Just when I think I have it, I don't. I have never felt more defeated. 99% of the time I feel like I am running on fumes, even when Hubby is home to help me.

She is such a high needs baby. She wants me all the time already. And she nurses every hour and a half. (I've already had my milk supply and nutrients checked.) It is a comfort thing. She doesn't like her car seat because she isn't around me. Big sister tries to interact and keep her happy, but it only works 50% of the time. And even then, she can only be held off for so long.

I truly have no idea what I'm doing here. She just cries SO MUCH. And the only thing that helps is Mom and the boob. We took her to the chiropractor to get adjusted today. Maybe that will help. She has been asleep in my arms ever since. That's another thing, she doesn't sleep without me. It would be different if I could just get 1 one hour nap a day from her, but I can't even get that.

I'm a good Mom, really. That's why I thought I'd be better at this. But she just needs SO much of me. And there are two other needy people in my life that need a lot of me too. I truly appreciate that my family loves me and feels attached to me. BUT it's physically and emotionally exhausting.

This last weekend we went on vacation t to an indoor water park. The whole time I was either nursing or passing the baby off in hopes that I could take Sam down one slide before she started screaming. And of course the whole time I was waiting to go down the slide, I was worrying about the person who was holding Sara-either my Mom or Jessie. I enjoyed vacation. The hot tub was nice, but I was needed the entire time by somebody.

On the way home, Sara screamed and screamed and screamed. She finally fell asleep for 20 minutes. Sam was already asleep, so I worried the entire time if Sara was breathing. I wouldn't have been too worried except that she worked herself up too much and threw up several times and choked. We kept having to pull over.

While she was sleeping, we exited. Almost home, at last....Then Sam woke up crying and panicking because she felt sick, which had a domino effect. The little one woke up screaming too.

Parenthood...I have never felt so lost, so defeated. Sara is so hard. I love her and I am so thankful for her, but I feel like I don't know how to be her Mom. And that is tough. These last 4 months have been the hardest 4 months of my life. I just hope it gets better.