2020 Year

 It all blurs together really. 

Time. 

Especially this year in the midst of the COVID pandemic. 

And this year I am not ready for change.

I'm scared actually. 

That if Fall comes, other things will change. 

And to be honest, I'm taking reality in doses right now. 

It has been laid on my heart that the years blissful ignorance or over and my eyes have been opened to the evils of the world. 

I'm not talking conspiracies. In fact, I have stayed away from the news. 

I'm talking about the true, heart wrenching realization that there is more going on in the world than we have going on inside these 4 walls. 

And something must be done. 

So it is only a matter of time before we have to go from living our typical American lives to putting ourselves in uncomfortable places and doing the work we are called to do. 

Right now is a time of growth though. So we have all resolved to spend this next season of life educating ourselves. All of us. On God. On His will for our lives. On the things that we were just allowing to happen around us without so much as a tiny bit of thought. 

As we move forward with that, we still strive to keep a love of learning alive in Big S. So although we are unschooling still-in that she has some control over her education-she has picked some things she wants to formally learn (like writing and logic) and we will be going forward with that. 

I have to say that I am quite excited about her new books because they will require her to stretch her mind beyond what she knows and beyond what I could teach her myself. Her math is a Christian Worldview curriculum that explains God's consistencies in math. It starts with elementary concepts and moves all the way through Algebra explaining how you can literally see God work through all of it! Writing was good. Nothing spectacular but will give her a good base for public speaking next year which she wants to do to help with acting. And her logic book will be something we do together as a family. It teaches how to identify false logic such as red herrings and propaganda. I think now more than ever it is important for her to learn that. Seeing all the chaos in the country when all of this happened, I feel like learning to identify false logic will assist her in living without fear and not allowing Satan to get a stronghold on her as she grows older. 

She will still have Bible, History, reading, and piano (all her choice as well)-but those are nothing new. Her and I are working through the Little House series and she has recently become engrossed in "Bud, Not Buddy." 

Watching her learn piano over the last year had been heartwarming. Especially when I found out that she would be assisting in church worship soon. I just pray that these are the things that will stay with her forever. That she will realize the significance behind it. 

I will also be doing some of my own learning. I have courses on government, psychology, vegetable gardening, and church history. 

Jessie will be focusing on getting an IT Cert. For work and putting a lot of energy in ministry as he enters his first year as youth pastor. 

We have a lot to look forward to in the months to come as we learn how to live this life during war-times. 

I can't sit idol. God did not call me to be idol and all the cleaning I have done in the last 9 months has done the kingdom no good. 

So here goes nothing....

It Is Finished

My heart is bursting with joy.

It is heavy with happiness for my Husband and for our family.

I have too many blessings to count.

But most recently it is because my Husband just graduated college and started a new job on the same day.

That's right. We got married in high school, almost 11 years ago, and 8 of those years one of us has been in school full time. Now it is finally over.

I may go to college one day, because I would love counsel when my children leave the house. And he has talked about seminary. (Lord, help us if he goes!) But the most important thing is that we no longer have to deal with school as an "only means to move forward."

He worked at Comcast almost all of his adult working life, and we knew that nothing would get him out of the field, out of manual labor, and pay as well as Comcast without a degree. So he went to school.

Every Sunday was devoted to schoolwork-and many evenings after work were spent trying to get motivated to complete assignments. I will never understand the amount of energy and drive it took him just complete each assignment after working 40-55 hours a week (sometimes more if he was traveling).

Many weeks he drug his feet and during the last year, he caught Senioritis and began skipping assignments here and there, but he did it.

And I am SO proud of him.

He landed a job nearby our house working IT with a promise that if he meets their expectations that they will move him into the brand new cyber security division when they get it up and running later in the year.

It is a stable company that has been around years and years. Amazing benefits. Pay is comparable to what he was making minus the overtime. And they are family and community oriented. (Volunteer projects, we can go eat lunch with him at the office, he can keep the girls for up to 2 hours if I need to go somewhere without them, etc.).

My heart is full. More time with my Husband AND he will finally be doing something that he is happy doing. No more dragging the ground exhausted because he just worked 10 hours out in the heat that day. No more soaking wet freezing cold boots dragging the floor when he gets home, just wanting to get under the covers because it's cold.

There will be challenges. And hard days. Who knows, probably some office politics. But he is moving forward and he is nervous-but happy to be out of his office on wheels.

It's funny. We always thought, "You won't know what to do with all your free time once you finish school."

It is already filling up fast. With good things of course, but I am having to remind him of balance.

One thing I never want to forget is that we are a family and family time is a priority. Our weeks together are numbered and they go by too fast. Mondays used to be reserved as a family day for us, which was much easier to do than reserving a Saturday will be because everybody wants to hang out and do things on the weekends. I'm a little worried, but balance will just need to be a priority.

I can see God's hand in this. The story being woven is beautiful, and I am praying that this will lead into a place where we can build our relationship with each other and with God and use it for His purpose.

That is the biggest reason why my heart is full.

Middle School and Toddler Blues Babbling

Monday was the day-like so many other years-that most people posted "First Day of School" photos on their social media. (Even some of my homeschool friends did.)

It always makes me think of what it would be like to do cutesy stuff like that with Big S if she were in school. But it also makes me thankful to have her home because we always have fun things planned for the year.

This year is a tiny bit different, however. It is slow-going. Acting class was cancelled, so Big S only has scouts and youth group-neither of which is during the day. And one is only twice a month. I thought it would be a great opportunity to do the spur of the moment things we used to do, like trips to the park, volunteering all day at the library, and seeing friends with no notice.

But I am struggling with what I guess would be called the Toddler Blues. I just don't want to "deal with it." I'm tired, and I have no idea why. My brain is always exhausted. Always. I don't feel like loading up 50 bzillion snacks and chasing her around the library asking her to be quieter. I think once it cools down, park visits will be nice. And I am always up for a good play date. But I don't have the same enthusiasm I have had in the past. I don't feel like what I do....means enough. Now, I know that's not true. But I can't help but feel that way about what I do day in and day out, correcting math work, disciplining a toddler, and washing dishes... Big S is in middle school now. She researches her own stuff that she wants to learn. She does her math on her own. And Little S just wants to play. She doesn't want to sit for long periods of time sorting counting bears or playing Tanagrams like Big S did. I try to play and teach them both as much as I can, but overall, I feel useless. Like my job is just to drive them around where they need to go and sit there while they do what they need to do. I try to stay active by volunteering at scouts and participating in the adult study on 'youth nights,' but the library or anything else that doesn't request outside volunteers, I sit, and I wait.

I try to stay available while Big S does her math. It appears to be more like lingering though The laundry is minimal because we have a pair of "home clothes," not night clothes that we wear all week (unless they get dirty), and we wear the same outfit at least twice before washing. The cleaning is minimal because we are minimalists. And I am glad to not spend my life cleaning, because as much as I enjoy it, I know it is not a valuable way to spend my time if I don't have to. But where is the balance? Maybe I am just rambling, but I feel useless. I feel like I am either too busy to give my girls the attention they need or I am not busy enough.

It is a new day today. I am feeling a tad more positive. Although, the toddler and I are dealing with allergies, so it was a slow day again. With that said, I have resolved to enjoy where we are. I will find things to fill the time, like learning about chickens or just cuddling our toddler. It is the calm before the storm. Only this time, we have warning. The last time we had calm like this, my sisters moved in. We plan to start pursuing adoption again next year, which we know is a big deal with lots to do, so I will take this time to show my girls my love for them, to force myself to go out and do things, even if it means I need to plan each trip that we take to the playground.

I am going back to my planning book. Each day, I have Sam's assignment written down-which is not many. I have a simple, minimal  prep work activity (like today I took all her magnetic letters and spread them on the floor. I gave her a basket and asked her to "Find the B. What does B say?" Easy peasy. She got attention. I didn't have to play dolls. We all win. And then I have some random trip days written down for nature walks and bike rides. I am just in a season where I need to expect those things ahead of time. Otherwise, I will never do them. And that's okay. I just have to make sure I plan.

So middle school is not looking like what I imagined for Big S, lots of activities and independence, business and fulfillment. But that's okay. Bedore I know it, we will be there again and I will be asking myself "What happened? Where did time go?"

What we do have planned is:

Acting Camp-Since acting class was cancelled, Big S will be participating in Acting Camp where many of her middle school friends already participate.

Learning Piano (Hopefully)-She says she wants to learn, and we have told her if she continues to ahow enthusiasm for it and learn thr basics of reading music for it by using outside resources, we will pay for lessons with a friend of ours and evebtuslly buy her a keyboard. It just makes sense. I would love for hwr to leave the house knowing how to play an instrument. Plus, it goes along with her passion for performing arts.

Spanish-Now that Big S has gotten to an average typing speed for her grade and learned all her cursive, I have told her she can move on to learning Spanish, so it won't be long before she starts Rosetta Stone/Homeschool Edition. Woo Hoo!

Chores-Here is something she has never had before. She has always helped around the houde with stuff like carrying in groceries, taking out the trash, assisting with the baby, etc. But she has never had to empty the dishwasher, wash dishes, fold laundry, etc. Middle achool is a good time to introduce those necessary skills. Poor girl!

Reconnected

Last Tuesday was amazing to say the least. Over the last year, Samantha and my relationship has been....on hold, I guess you could say. I found myself becoming increasingly irritable with Big S even after the girls left. I am really not sure why. I think I just needed rest. We took the rest of December off. And when I say "off," I mean we took a vacation. We celebrated holidays. We had no activities. We slept in even on the weekdays. And we spent a lot of time sitting around reading.

Our homeschooling also took a break over the last year. And I know, when you homeschool, you never stop learning, because life is learning, but our style of homeschooling took a back seat. We did stuff and learned. But the biggest element in our unschooling way of life-spontaneous trips-disappeared almost completely. It was hard to get up and go somewhere last minute so she could photograph something when we had to be home by 2:30. And to be honest, it was hard for me to get he motivation as well.

But this semester we are back on the horse. Tuesdays are going to be our craziest day. I would liken it to other homeschoolers' co-op day. I spend the morning cleaning the house and putting dinner in the crockpot. Then we eat lunch and head off to acting. It is 25 miles from the house. It is also a 4 hour class, so I found some stores and parks in the area that Little S and I can go to while she is in class. Then we head straight to Heritage Girls, 54 miles in the other direction, get home around 10 and crash.

I stayed for the first half of class because I had never met the teacher, and she was nervous, so she asked me to stay. They had so much fun. Generally, they will rehearse the first 2 hours of class. But this was their first class, so she had them "audition in groups" by doing improv together. She numbered their groups and gave them a topic to act out. They only had a few minutes to plan. She explained that chairs often serve as props when rehearsing and of course taught them the few "rules" of improv, like never telling your partners no.  Then she switched around the groups and they got a new topic to act out. She told them they did not have to have a speaking part during improv if they didn't want, and I thought Sam would run with that because she was so nervous. But she didn't! She spoke and she was funny. And she worked together with her groups. She bit her nails the entire time, but hey, it's a start. Her teacher asked who did not want a part (like who only wanted to work backstage), and what they wanted to do. She took every suggestion and said, "Yes!" She told them this was their play, and they would get to design the set and costumes, everything. She gave them the option to learn special effects makeup, because someone asked. She made everything a learning opportunity. I was thoroughly impressed. During the lesson, which is an hour and a half, then snack, social time and games for the last half hour, Sara started to get fussy. It was naptime, so I asked Sam if I could leave. She said yes, since she had 3 friends there-one was a new friend-she thought she would be okay.

When I came back, she was so excited to have something to tell me that I did not know. We talked all the way to Heritage Girls, and all the way back. We both agreed we felt reconnected. We didn't just talk about acting. Although hat was the bulk of it. We talked about her future, her relationship with God, her feelings toward the situation with the girls...It was nice.

We went home and immediately crashed. The next day Sam went to a friend's house, and it was all about Sara. Just her and me. Like when Big S was an only child. She had a PAT meeting at the house. We read some books together. We played outside for a long time. We explored, looked in the grass, found rocks, chased leaves, rode bikes. She took a nap. The house was quiet. I got some housework done and calls made. We went to the library where she sat on the floor and pretended to read...

I have missed the slow days with both my girls. From now on, Wednesdays will be Slow Days for Sara, because Tuesdays are rough on her. We always go to storytime in the morning and play outside. But we usually end up doing errands the rest of the afternoon.  From now on, I will do those on my own on Saturday night. Instead, we are going to go home and start adding in paints or something specifically for her. Sam will still have her independent work, but that day will be reserved for Sara, and I won't be helping Sam with any major projects until Thursday.

These are the kinds of days that remind me why we homeschool.

My Lord, My Lord

It is Thanksgiving, and my have things changed over the last year.

Every Thanksgiving my Dad, who drives a truck, would threaten to quit his job if they would not let him off to be here. Thanksgiving was his religious holiday. He could not wait to celebrate at his place-when he got one. He went all out. One year he bought 200 feet of name brand alluminum foil. 5 pounds of briskett. Crab legs. Lobster. Giant boxes of Christmas chocolates. You name it. He came in and spoiled the grand children.  Well, grandchild. Sara was too young the last 2 years and didn't want anything to do with anybody but me. We went Black friday shopping and talked and talked for hours. He was truly happy that day, but the rest of the year was unfulfilling for him.

Fast forward a few months. My Husband and I were given custody of two sweet, innocent girls, who albiet have some things they are struggling through, bring lots of light to the entire family's life. They are my sisters. My Dad's kids. (And of course the daughters of his ex wife.) We had met them once.

I tried not to post on here much about the joys  struggles to respect their privacy as well as the privacy of their parents. Although, I needed to. I had a lot of anger and frustration as well as celebratory times and messages of hope. But while we were part of the case, it didn't feel right. I am still not taking sides on what happened or who should have them. But I will say this. They are no longer in our custody. They live with their Dad. And this is their first and last Thanksgiving in town. They  are moving to Iowa. And I am sad. I thought I would be happy that we can all move on. But a big part of me isn't.

As for Thanksgiving, this year is different. My Dad did come in from driving his truck, but it was his last day. He is giving up his CDL. He has to be home for the kids. He isn't nagging me about not buying paper towels or having more kitchen gadgets, because he knows the struggles of saving money and not having enough room in the drawers. We aren't Black Friday shopping either. And there will not be much briskett and no Christmas chocolates. But that is okay, because this year there are 2 more people to love, a lot more happiness in his heart, and we all just grew and learned from the last 10 months.

I learned that, just like when Sara was born, I have an amazing support group of loving family members and friends. If it were not for my Husband supporting me in opening the house up to these two beautiful children, we would have never been able to witness the miracles we have or build a bond with my sisters. I won't say he didn't have his fair share of struggles. I won't say he didn't get angry when I felt lied to or betrayed. Heck, I won't even say I handled it right. Although, he never once took it out on them.  I won't say that he spent every waking moment pouring into them his spiritual knowledge or wisdom. I won't even say that he was always the greatest influence. But I will say this. He allowed me to do those things. He supported me when I wanted to take them places or teach them things, just like he does with our girls. He sat at the dinner table each night, despite his exhaustion, because I was completely convicted of the fact that these girls needed to see a regular family dinner. They needed to see a family unit gathering at the end of the day and taking turns talking about events and other important topics. Heck, he even bought, transported, and constructed the new table I picked out to fit the 6 of us. At one point, we were this close to buying a mini van so we could all fit in the same car....until I backed out. He spent hours listening to me vent. He kept our girls when I needed to cry. And he *attempted* to encourage me when I felt the most empty, which was many times. That man is my rock. Ten years of marriage, and I love him increasingly more with every trial that we face, because we face it together and we become stronger for it.

I had a Mom who heard it all. The good and the bad, but most often the bad. And while she did not exactly provide the Biblical advice I needed, I was able to lay it all  before her while she attempted to put together the broken pieces. As my mother, all she wanted to do was fix it for me.

I had friends who rejoiced with me when my sister was saved. I had friends who played a huge part in that too. I had friends who guided me to scripture that could teach these sweet girls about struggles and the redemption of the Lord. I had friends who offered to keep them so I could just breathe. (Going from 1 kid to 4 in a year was a lot. But to be honest, it was the situation itself that was a source of stress. Dealing with their parents. Trying to appease their sibling's need to see them, which I totally understand. DFCS'S unrealistic expectations that I should put them above my own 2 children at all times. Dealing with 2 in school and 2 at home while my Husband can't help because he is dealing with work and school full time, traveling for work constantly, while also finishing the basement. Needing to be able to leave them with him sometimes, but not being able to, because he is a male, and we need to cover our own butts.) I had friends that brought meals in the beginning when we were trying to figure out our new life. Friends
 who gave us giftcards for food when we weren't receiving help. Friends that texted just to check in. Friends who I texted after court cases to tell them it was a long day, and their response...."Have you eaten? Let me bring you some Wendy's at our meeting tonight." Friends that spoke to my sisters with such sweetness and empathy when they saw them. We were surrounded by positive, life giving words and love abounding.

And most importantly, I had a God who was with me at all times. I had a God that I wanted to draw nearer to during this time of chaos inside the walls of our home. When I wanted to fall to my knees when one child was slamming her body against the wall fighting me and begging me let her hair stay in knots. And another was screaming and crying, throwing a toddler tantrum at my feet. And another one was hurting inside because this was her new normal and she felt like she never had me because when they were at school, I was always making calls to counselors and attorneys and CASAs. And when I wasn't, I was tired and broken. And, as for the 4th child, I had no idea what was going on in her brain, because she had barely spoken to me since the day she got here....And I just called, "My Lord, My Lord!" And he gave me the peace and calm I needed during the storms. And he gave me the energy I needed on Saturday nights for games, a read aloud, and a devotion in the tent. I knew that he was faithful, and we would make it through.

And I do not quite know if I could have made it without God and all those he planted in our lives. But we did it. And they made it to the light at the other side od the tunnel. Now they will have a wonderful, powerful testimony to give as they grow older. And they will have the love and understanding they need to have for other children in the system. And I do thank God for all the growth we have all experienced daily. And for the opportunity we had to do what he has called me to do since middle school.

And now we will move on with our lives. And whatever happens next, will happen. And we will get through it too, the same way we did this time.

Side Note: We will be going out of town to visit the Biltmore in the next few weeks. I cannot wait! It will be a breath of fresh air! A break from reality. We have hardly anything planned, aside from the Biltmore itself. I chose a luxury hotel at a great deal! A place where we can just be-together. I can't wait!

Relaxed School's Cool

I lost my passion.

My zeal for unschooling.

It's hard.

Seriously.

You don't have anybody to tell you what to teach and how to teach it. You constantly deal with outside pressures. And you have to always be available and ready to have adventures or be a mentor at the drop of a hat. It's the ideal education, in my opinion, to follow your interests and spend time diving into them. That is what we do as adults. But it. is. hard.

So when Sara was born, I lost that drive. She kept me drained of every bit of energy I had before. Then the girls moved in right as Sara was becoming a little easier. And then I was focused on getting them to and from school and somehow getting Sara a nap in before we left to pick them up. This meant life as we knew it was on pause. Our little outings or 6 hour days spent reading seemed impossible. I was spent-from driving everywhere, from listening to crying all day from a tired baby, from trying to meet everyone's emotional needs-which were at an all time high in this house. And then all the other usual stuff. Double the laundry. Double the cooking. Don't get me wrong. I love them all. They are ALL worth every minute. I tried to stay positive a majority of the time. We did devotionals together, backyard camped on the weekends, played games, had movie nights. They helped me bake and cook. In the summer we took weekly trips somewhere fun.  And that's what took all my energy. The moment my head hit the pillow, I was done. (My poor Husband.) The plan was to get them to bed and spend time with him, but I was out by 9:30. Never failed.

This "Fall," after some changes and much prayer about anxieties, I am feeling renewed. Little S is almost 2 years old. She can handle a few hours out of the house without a complete meltdown, especially if she is in nature. That has been our main focus this year-getting connected with nature. Three days a week we go on a hike or nature walk and spend at least 6 hours outside. We dont do anything structured. We explore. Or the girls play. I watch. We breath in fresh air. We touch soil with our hands. We garden. We jump on the trampoline. Collect nature. We listen to sounds. And Big S now takes photographs. The other 4 days during the week, we sound 3 hours or so outside,  but don't usually go on a nature walk or anything particularly special. We are just being-outside. In the hammocks or riding bikes or drawing with chalk. Nature is an important aspect when connecting with God. And as a bonus, I'd love for my children to  know the life cycles of lots of things-not just butterflies. I'd love for my girls to show their kids how to rub plantain on a bug bite or show them the dry seasons vs. wet seasons when looking at the rings on a tree. Little S loves it so much, and Big S recently found a more grown up way to get into nature.  (More grown up way than picking up sticks and rocks and collecting them in a basket.) She loves nature's beauty. She loves the way that-when we sit in the driveway and play games on a blanket-the sun peaks around the house and shines brightly on the trees. She loves the butterflies when they land on flowers. She loves the way that the clouds always look different. She loves to draw,  but there is something about a photograph that really does it for her. She captures the perfection at its peak. And she can draw it later. It was so satisfying last weekend when we took an impromptu trip to the store to find a camera she liked. She found a used one-with a warranty. She went a little older (a 2009) but got a great deal for a beginner. There, in the store, I helped her research her camera choices-and she finally settled on a Canon PowerShot. They had just gotten it in and it hadn't even been put out on display yet. She was over the moon. She spent her hard earned money from her business on it, and she said it wwas worth every penny. She loves that little camera. She takes it with us on nature outings. She takes photos of her baked goods for her business-which is still going strong after a year. She makes anywhere from $30- $50 a month. Not bad considering we only order from her during the slow months-which are usually the months with no holidays or fresh fruits in season. Anyway, back to the camera, in the weeks coming, we are going to take outings to places where she can photograph Chattanooga from an overlook to model her train town after. Big S has a lot going on, and I'm so happy to be back in the game with her, looking up videos and taking both the girls fun places. I've missed this kind of education.

And while I'm thinking we arent exactly unschoolers, because we do math, we are definitely relaxed schoolers. If she doesn't like that math, we will look into a new one. If she doesn't want to do her Discover 4 Yourself  Bible, we will figure out another way to learn it. We are open to different possibilities and flexible in  schedule, and will always be that way to give both girls time for adventure and discovery. But I also realize, math is a must in this world, and the Bible is essential to knowing God.

Side Notes: We just finished an excellent read aloud-the 3rd book in the Narnia Series, "The Horse and His Boy." Next, Prince Caspian!
And lastly, serving is something I want to model to my girls and teach them to do as well. I try to show them how to serve even in the smallest situations, like cleaning up when a friend leaves or bringing a plate to someone else. But I also want them  know how to serve in larger capacities. Big S tried to advertise for free "Mothers Helper" services for foster Moms. She has developed a passion for children in general, but also children in foster care specifically. So far, lots have said they are interested, but nobody has nailed down dates with us. With everything going on, we are not ready to commit to volunteering at an entity weekly, so Big S is serving at the library when I take Little S to storytime-her idea. She cuts things out. She colors decorations. She cleans. She organizes books. Soon she will read aloud to the kids there. (In the past, she also taught a kitchen science class.) But the best part was hearing her say to me last week, "Mrs. Shannon already lets me volunteer, and I am so thankful for that, so I won't ask her for a different pair of scissors." The point was not that she would rather suffer than ask for scissors. In fact, I told her it would be fine to ask for bigger ones. The point is that she felt like it was a blessing to be serving, and that was enough to make my Mom heart sing with joy!

I love relaxed schooling. I love that I can tell her to forget her math that day if she wants to spend time looking up videos on photography. And if we don't read our read aloud for 3 days, no big deal. The only thing that matters in relaxed schooling-as with unschooling-is making sure we prioritize our time. We aren't always on the go. There is down time for play and discovery. We aren't going to every event available to homeschoolers just because it is free, but only if there is a genuine interest. As long as we are evaluating our actions, everything else will fall into place.

Things Change

It is the beginning of the schoolyear, and I am meeting so many new homeschool Moms. At this point-6 years-I'm considered a veteran Mom. I'm beginning to realize a majority of those major beginning homeschooling decisions are behind me. Do we homeschool?  What does that look like?  What curriculum do we use? What major activities do we attend every year? (Curriculum Fair, Homeschool Day at McKay....) Now I'm talking relaxed curriculums to overwhelmed Moms, and giving advice on how to keep going when a new baby comes in the mix. (You don't! Ha Ha Ha!) There are a few women that I talked to around our 3rd year of homeschooling who were on the fence about actually going forward with not enrolling in Kindergarten. Since then, they have found their own little niches and become somewhat seasoned themselves. At the very least, they are not insecure about what they are doing anymore. I have seen babies enter Kindergarten, and kids that were my daughter's age when we started get their learners permit. I have even seen kids that were in middle school graduate. Every year when we attend a CHEA event, I can't believe how big the kids have gotten. (I have seen some boys grow their first mustaches!) Ah. My heart pains me as I realize my own child is about to start looking like a young lady herself.

Plus, my Facebook keeps reminding me of all our "Beginning of the Year Shenanigans" from the past, like the year we read our first Chapter Book Read Aloud, "Charlotte's Web." It also showed me pictures of the year we took Samantha "school supply shopping" so that she could feel cool like the other kids.

On top of That, I've started "lessons" with Sara. Montessori based. Fun activities to teach independence, fine motor skills, etc. I made busy bags for restaurants and other outings. And bought supplies to make sensory games. You know, the basics: beans, shaving cream, measuring cups, a giant plastic tub, etc.

And it makes me SO nostalgic. Because things change, kids grow up, and things get more complicated. I remember doing our "Healthy Earth" unit when Big S was 2. We read a book on recycling, went outside and picked up trash, and cooked a healthy meal with lots of vegetables. I remember raising butterflies and watching the wonder in her eyes grow. I remember the "Human Body" unit when she was 4. We colored a giant poster where I had traced my body and labeled the organ systems. We put red water in one side of the sink, and blue in the other to symbolize blood in the heart. We read countless books stuffed with information. It was all for fun. No worries. Play dates were plenty, and nothing else mattered.

I remember joining her first homeschool activities, and desperately trying to make friends. I remember coming to our first CHEA Event and both of us saying, "This is the group for us." I remember having time to attend pretty much every single event they held for elementary. I remember reading the CHEA Minutes religiously. (Now I can barely find time to post a question on the forum, let alone carefully read 6 pages on what decisions the group made this month.) I remember homeschool gymnastics at the local college, and being able to show up an hour before class and practice reading in the lobby.

Now it's pick and choose at this age. We can't go to it all, and we need to make sure we are home to have enough down time for Big S to make creations, and also give Little S lots of playtime. Of course on the other hand, we need to provide Big S enough time with friends. (So we recently started allowing texting on her tablet! But of course, it costs "tickets" if she wants to binge text. And she sometimes goes out with friends without me being there like I used to. Guess that is part of growing up.)

I don't know what I'm getting at here. I guess I'm looking at all these old photos and seeing all these old posts and missing the Good 'ole Days, when things were less complicated.  Then again, maybe I'm just remembering it that way.

Whatever it is, I'm feeling a little lost this year. CHEA is changing. (I'm apparently not the only one who feels that way.) We had several families that didn't come back. I meant the group isn't even allowing playdates on the calendar. A group of moms got together and decided to schedule playdates, and just communicate them over Facebook.  Big S isn't in any other activities (aside from AHG)  as of now because of some scheduling issues. She lost the ability to see some of her best friends when they moved away, and she had a hard time moving on for almost a year after. Luckily, while she is still in close contact with them, she has found some close friends in the area as well. But I'm having a hard time finding my place since my sisters got here. We can't attend as much, and we honestly don't receive as much support as I thought we would in a community that holds caring for children to such a high standard. And I know it is because everyone is busy, but we also have some friends that seem to shy away from us too. We do receive a lot support from our AHG Troop. They have been great. They ask about the girls all the time. They allowed them in the troop despite the guidelines. They even stocked our cabinets with groceries when they first got here and we didn't have any help. They. Are. Amazing. But we aren't close enough with any of them for them to call and say, "Hey. How are your sisters? Can we pray for them? How is Sam doing?" They ask when I see them, but that's about as personal as it gets.Sometimes I feel like, even though I am getting closer to my 30s, that age gap still creates a barrier in some ways.

We joined a new group called Wild and Free. The take monthly hikes and have monthly Mom's Night Out, along with some nature based Field Trips. Maybe that will be the place God wants us through this season. We went hiking with them last week. I enjoyed talking with some of the Moms. S had a hard time figuring out where she fit into the puzzle as she warmed up to the other kids. She has agreed to give it another chance, as she was not miserable. She just...felt awkward.

I am just going to keep praying.


Things are settling down here. Everything is about to come to a peak and then really calm down. The house is quiet most of the day. We started our year off strong with a heavy focus on nature. We take nature walks several times a week, always in the early morning. It is a nice family activity and gets us noticing and identifying different species. Sara toddles along and gathers things in her basket. (Although, she is very picky.) Sometimes she rides in my pouch. And S and I look intently at the random happenings we find in nature (like a caterpillar climbing into a spider's web) and listen to the sounds. It is a nice and peaceful time, before the heat begins beating down. It really sets the tone for the day. On the days that we don't have a nature walk, we have morning time. (We pulled the name for it from a Charlotte Mason Method book I am reading, but basically we have always done this.) We start our day our with our family read aloud (Which is currently The Horse and His Boy, the third book in the Narnia series. We took a break. Now we are back.) And then she either does math or Bible. Of course I am available to help. Then we go about our day. Right now, S is studying how to build a train village and working on a menu for her baking business. Yesterday her and Sara spent a good chunk of the day working on a cardboard house. (Little S mostly scribbled on it and played in it, but Big S put more detailed pictures on it, made door handles, and had me cut out a window and a door.) Lunchtime is the last of our school day. That is when we listen to our Story of the World CD, but that does not take long-about 7 minutes for a chapter. Both math and history can be done on the go now, so I don't fret as much when we have outside stuff to do, as long as it is not errands. I mean things like the last minute trip we took to the aquarium a few weeks ago or Homeschool Day at High Point. Overall, the year is going well. But things are changing at is has me a little sad inside. I need to keep reminding myself that these years will bring the same joys as the ones before, just in a different way.